Superhero Basketball Team
It’s March, which means it’s “big basketball tournament time” (our lawyers told us we couldn’t say the actual name of the tournament, but hopefully you catch our drift). We’re putting our own spin on things by imagining our ideal superhero basketball team. We’re warning you upfront: with all of these powers floating around, these games are about to get very weird. With that out of the way, there’s the whistle: let’s rank the superheroes who’d make the best basketball players.
Introducing shapeshifters to the game of basketball gets tricky really fast. What’s that? Two identical players on the court? Which one should you pass to, and which one is an imposter? If you’re willing to play even dirtier, maybe the referee gets locked in a broom closet and Referee Mystique just so happens to take his place, calling everything in favor for her team. All is fair in war and basketball.
Jinx’s powers of probability manipulation sound abstract, but consider this: with her help, all of her team’s shots become lucky and all of the opposing team’s shots become unlucky. Beyond that, there’s always the chance of injuries or someone’s shoes coming undone, or a beam falling from the ceiling. Her abilities are subtle but absolutely invaluable.
Once Juggernaut starts moving, he becomes unstoppable. How do you play defense against a guy who you can’t block? How do you play offense against a guy who can just knock you over? The only downside is that he’s a little slow to get started, but that’s a small price to pay for such a talented player.
7. Kitty Pryde
Shadowcat’s powers of intangibility are super versatile: dribbling through other players, slipping into the floor, phasing the ball through the net from the side, you name it. It’s going to be tough to beat her 1:1 when the opposing team can’t touch her.
This pick takes a bit of planning ahead, but it’s worth it. Taskmaster can physically replicate any movement or ability that he sees, which means that you can load him up with basketball videos from the pros and he’ll download them to his brain like he’s Neo in The Matrix. Once those moves are in there, he’ll be an instant MVP.
Here’s another one for the improved movement category. With his teleportation abilities, Nightcrawler can intercept passes, get around the defense, and turn every turnover into an instant dunk. Does teleporting count as “traveling” because he’s not dribbling the ball? We might need to sit down and read the fine print in the rulebook.
This is a no-brainer. Although he typically puts his powers to use in deadlier applications, Bullseye’s powers are an exact fit for basketball. Anything he throws travels through the air with near-perfect accuracy. We’re talking free throws, 3-pointers, half court lobs, full court lobs—all of these are headed straight for the net.
3. Rock Lock
We’re dipping into anime for this pick: Rock Lock from My Hero Academia. His quirk allows him to turn any object he touches into an immovable object. Rock Lock is the perfect defensive player—all we have to do is get a quick lead and then get him involved. Once he puts a hand on that ball, it’s staying put until the timer runs out. Boring to watch, unless you like watching people embarrass themselves by trying and failing to lift a basketball like it’s Thor’s hammer.
2. Mr. Fantastic
When it comes to versatility, Mr. Fantastic tops the list. With just one stretch arm in each direction, he can play offense and defense at the same time. Plus, if he stretches his torso out like a sheet, he can literally block an entire side of the court, making it impossible to get past him to score. Reed Richards may be a nerd, but that won’t stop him from outplaying every jock out on the court.
1. The Flash
We’re finishing things off with an obvious, but unavoidable choice: a speedster. Assuming that the other team doesn’t have a speedster of their own, The Flash’s speed becomes a huge advantage. Unless you can predict and pinpoint his path with 100% accuracy, this guy will literally run circles around you with every single play. Get ready to find out how many numbers you can fit on that scoreboard, because this game is going to push that limit.