GEEKY ASTROLOGY

Lurking in the shadows lies your inner puppet-master, pulling the strings in any given scenario. Unlike your Disney counterpart – you despise human interaction but demand absolute respect and adoration at all times (what a head-turner). Your desperate need for control gives us *goosebumps* and quite frankly has us frozen in fear. Do us a favor? Don’t turn us into puppets – you're the only real “dummy” here.

Carrie just exudes the perfect amount of Sagittarius’ fire energy that it’s uncanny (no pun intended). You’re ambitious with a hint of neediness and a dash of unrelenting rage. We would be too if somebody had dropped gallons of pig's blood on our 1970’s vintage Versace, at our senior Prom, with the date our of dreams. Yikes.

You’re an interesting one Capricorn. You have a strong sense of charisma coupled with an audacious way of flaunting your wealth. But it's the soft subtle off-white coloring, and tasteful thickness of Paul Allen’s business card that just drives you up the wall, doesn’t it? So where do you draw the line with your work/life balance? We’ll guess it's a CONFIRMED reso at Dorsea.  

We thought an Aquarius’ dreams were supposed to be bright and expansive. Instead, we’re stuck in this hellish nightmare of reliving 2020 lockdowns, eating banana bread every hour and watching re-runs of Seinfeld. It’s no surprise your version of our hell would be something straight out of a rejected SNL storyboard. Alas, here we are – you with your steel plated acrylics and us with our absolute distain of anything in a fedora.  

In true Pisces nature, Norman Bates is loyal and sensitive. His loyalty to his mother may be a bit extreme but there's no denying his devotion. Also like a Pisces, his emotions can often get the best of him. Can this be terrifying? Oh yes, absolutely.

Sorry Aries but we have to give you Chucky. There are just too many similarities at play here. Chucky is known to have a bit of a temper and can always speak his mind like a true Aries.

Oh Taurus - you know you're a stubborn one. Which is why we must pair you up with Jason Voorhees. Are you even surprised? We know you can see the similarities here.

Ok Gemini, I think you can figure out why we had to match you up with Jack Torrance. In true Gemini fashion, there are two sides to him. On one hand, he's a caring father and on the other, a psychotic killer. He's also very mischievous and a little bit selfish.

Okay so many horror villains have grudges—we get it, vengeance is a popular motif. But Annie? She has an obsession. She likes things her way. She is more than willing to throw her entire life into a book and ensure it ends the way she needs it to. Horrifying? Yes. Extreme Cancer energy? Yes.

It is a well-established fact that the Babadook has a strong look, lives for drama, and is overall just kind of an attention-seeking monster. And we love them for that. Work it, Babadook, you take that Leo energy and walk it all over town. Go get the attention you deserve!

Let’s lay out the facts. Sadako’s actions are based on a very clear set of expectations. You watch the tape? She comes for you. You don’t? She doesn’t. It’s very clear how this works, and it’s not her fault people make bad decisions. Also, she is extremely punctual: seven days, to the letter. Showing up right on time to enact deadly revenge? She’s a Virgo alright.

You may not agree with him, but Jigsaw has a very clear idea of what good, bad, and justice looks like, and his main goal is to ensure that his twisted version of justice is carried out. But, like any Libra, he believes in fairness: his victims always have a chance to escape with their lives if they make the right moves. But as we all know, the consequences of these tests can be deadly, and fair is … subjective. Be careful out there.