Geeky Astrology: July 2021

PISCES! It’s your time to SHINE. Based on your innate desire to dream big and aspire to greatness, what better reality show to compete in than the one with the most TALENT. The competition will be hot, but you’re cool enough to snag the top spot. In the month of July, take center stage where you belong, and revel in all the praises, accolades, and good fortunes coming your way – you're going to HOLLYWOOD!

Hell ain’t nothing to a fire sign like you, Aries, although the devil in waiting might set your ego ablaze. In the wise words of Gordon Ramsey - THE BEEF WELLINGTON IS RAWWWW, YOU DONKEY. Despite the non-stop barrage of insults, your tendency for self-indulgence and overconfidence might help see you through this heated competition. Be warned, however, too much salty behavior might get you in some hot water, so you might want to simmer down.

The tribe has spoken, you’ll be cast on the 4765th season of Survivor. As a clear front-runner in this competition, you are confident that your charming demeanor and knowledge of terrestrial organisms will carry you to the finale. It is only natural that someone as earth-bound as yourself would excel in all the challenges. In July, we do caution, however, to be mindful of schemers and miscreants looking to sabotage your game. As a precaution, we suggest you find that hidden immunity idol before your flame is snuffed out.

ZOMG WERK *TONGUE POP* SNATCH MY WIG. This is the moment you’ve been waiting for. The opportunity to flaunt your overly descriptive resume and show off your exceptional social skills. Now, remember, The Circle is a SOCIAL game – for July you MUST build strong relationships with your competitors so as not to get kicked out of the circle. Digital presence is everything, so be ready to work that camera and strike that pose. Everyone’s watching.

Oh, Cancer, you romantic soul you. We know that deep down what you want more than anything is to find your one true love. So, we think you need to go on The Bachelor/Bachelorette and give it your best shot. For July, follow your heart and don’t let anything or anyone get in the way of you finding the love of your life. Go get that rose, Cancer!

Leo, your creativity, confidence, and great sense of style makes us think you would do well on Project Runway. You’re always the best-dressed friend AKA, the one who has the closet everyone wants to raid. So, the question is, are you up for the challenge, Leo? We think you can bring home that 100K! This month, keep your eye on the prize and use your determination to achieve all your wildest dreams.

Ok, Virgo, this show may not be your top choice in terms of a reality competition show you’d like to be on but hear us out. We know that deep down you’re just dying to meet your soulmate, and what better way to focus on your love life than by being stuck on an island with a bunch of other singles also looking for love? This month, let go and enjoy the ride. Sometimes life can get a little messy! (Especially when you’re living on an island with a bunch of singles)

Is love blind, Libra? That’s the big question here. We know you’re looking for your soulmate and we know you will go to great lengths to find them. So why not go on a reality TV show where you can only get to know people by talking to them through a wall? Libra, you have great judgment. We believe you’ll pick the right person in the end! This month, focus on trying new things and stepping out of your comfort zone. You never know where life will take you!

Scorpio, we love you, we really do, but there’s no doubt in our minds that you are Big Brother. You are the human equivalent of a hidden camera: always watching, and always ready to bring up the footage and receipts whenever it’s necessary. We get it; being in control makes you feel more comfortable. This month, try not checking other people’s Insta DMs when they leave their phone on the table unattended. We know, it’s a tall order, but trust us, you can do it.

See, the thing that’s funny about you, Sag, is that the Amazing Race is barely even different than your normal life. You are already trying to make your way around the world and experience everything you can. You don’t even need a TV show to be competitive—anything can be a contest or a challenge or a dare. So why not do that on some showrunner’s dime? Our advice this month: if you do something well, never do it for free.

Sharks, gather round because Capricorn is here and they’ve got a major pitch to share with you. You were made for this show: you’re a natural entrepreneur, you know what you want and how to make it happen, and you’re looking for loyal partners who have some real value to add to your day-to-day life. If you think it, you promise it, and if you promise it, it happens. This month’s advice: stop polishing and get whatever you’re working on out the door—it's ready to go and so are you.

Oh sweet, sweet Aquarius. Remember that weird turtle-lizard-eagle-hybrid pottery you made in the 7th grade or the time you made a sculpture of the Mona Lisa using pine needles, banana peels, and glitter? This is our polite way of saying that you … do things a little differently. The good news is that there’s a show out there for you, and it’s called Nailed It. If you go on this show and do your thing, it will make people smile. This month’s advice: don’t volunteer to host the bake sale—this is not a good idea for you this month, or maybe any month...or maybe any time.