Geeky Astrology: August 2021
Traverse through time, space and the seven seas as we attempt to navigate your love life with our best “SHIPS”. Whether you’re Captain of Serenity or a castaway on the Titanic, we’re here to help you steer clear of any impending red flags (or icebergs) in this month’s Geeky Astrology.
PISCES: SERENITY + RIVER TAM
Ah, the Serenity, a Midbulk transport,with a standard radion-accelerator core, classcode 03-K64, Firefly. In short, Pisces, you and this ship have one thing in common: no one really understands you. You’re a bit far-out, so getting married on a spaceship headed for distant planets seems like a pretty good fit. And while we’re at it, there’s another space cadet already on board: River Tam, a weirdo psychic master of hand-to-hand combat. No one really gets her either—you're perfect for each other.
ARIES: BENATAR + STARLORD/ROCKET RACCOON
Okay listen Aries, we thought long and hard about this one and we’ve figured out the right place for you to get married: on the spaceship Benatar. We hear you, the amenities aren’t exactly 5 stars, but trust us, the vibe is right: no one on Benatar gets along and they are constantly fighting and sometimes that fighting is also flirting. Awesome, right? Also, Star Lord, with his daddy issues and rage-fueled approach to problem solving, seems like your type. Have fun!
TAURUS: HERMES + COMMANDER LEWIS
We know what you like Taurus: dependability, a routine that runs like clockwork, and a loyal crew who will always have your back. Let us introduce you to the Hermes, and its leader, Commander Lewis. They will dot every “i” and cross every “t” in the pre-event planning, and if you want your life to run that way (and we know you do), you should get married to Commander Lewis. If the kids are acting up, she WILL turn this space ship around and go back to Mars. That’s an order.
GEMINI: USS JOHN PAUL JONES (BATTLESHIP) + OFFICER CORA “WEPS” RAIKES
You live your life in binary coordinates, dear Gemini. Why shouldn’t your wedding venue be the same way? Wait, what’s that in A6 through D6? Battleship’s USS John Paul Jones, of course. And because all good things in your life come in twos, there’s someone on board who you absolutely have to meet, date, and marry: Officer Cora “Weps” Raikes. Game, set, match-maker.
CANCER: TITANTIC + ROSE
Elegance, class, sophistication. This is what you want and DESERVE dear Cancer. Revel in the immense awe and splendor of the iconic sea vessel, the Titantic. Nothing says "l do” like fine wine, ball gowns and impending doom to set the mood. This is why the illustrious Rose is the perfect match for someone like you - with as much emotional depth as the ocean, and enough life rafts to fit a family and your precious finery. Go ahead, break the ice - and if it doesn’t work out, don’t take the whole ship down with you.
LEO: U.S.S ENTERPRISE + KIRK
Leo’s deserve to be with a strong leader, one that is willing to take your aspirations to space and beyond. Without question, Captain Kirk is the ideal match for you. Your “out of this world” wedding is sure to attract the attention of beings across the known universe – and who loves universal adoration more than you. A word of advice however, be sure to dress your wedding party in something other than red – trust us, it’s not a good look for you.
VIRGO: THE BLACK PEARL + JACK SPARROW
Not all treasure is silver and gold, Virgo. That notion reigns true for our love boat match of Captain Jack Sparrow, and well, you! Wouldn’t you want to be married at sea on the ever-elusive Black Pearl? Sail through the tropics while escaping the clutches of hierarchical tyranny? If you survive the voyage, we’re sure your relationship with Captain Jack will be just as wild and adventurous as the 7 seas. Savvy?
LIBRA: NOSTROMO + RIPLEY
A well-thought-out plan of action is always the best approach when orchestrating something as “life or death” (so to speak) as your wedding. That is why the level headed leader Ripley is your ideal match to guide you through what is sure to be a dangerous road ahead. Be warned however, Ripley is known to have an array of relentless and thirsty “fans” with sharp teeth and an insatiable desire to consume human flesh. So, if your wedding on the Nostromo can handle a few unwanted party guests, we’re sure the next few movie sequels won’t be as bad as their ratings.
SCORPIO: EVENT HORIZON + CAPTAIN MILLER
Scorpio, we have a very unique wedding venue for you. We wouldn’t necessarily call it a romantic spot but then again, you’re not really into that right? Your venue is the Event Horizon. We know what you’re thinking... “The creepy spacecraft that vanished?!” and yes, that is correct. The abandoned vessel is pretty sinister but it’s also one of a kind, just like yourself! We’d also like to set you up with your life partner, Captain Miller. We think you two will really hit it off!
SAGITTARIUS: MILLENIUM FALCON + HAN SOLO
Ok hear us out, the Millenium Falcon may not be the most stunning wedding venue you’ll ever see BUT it is full of surprises. Just like yourself, Sagittarius! It’s the fastest ship in the galaxy AND it comes with a handsome pilot. Sagittarius, meet your soulmate, Han Solo! Was the wedding venue his choice? Maybe... but he spent years searching for this ship, what do you expect?
CAPRICORN: HUNTER IV + SAMUS
From the world of Metroid, we have the gorgeous starship, Hunter IV. Also known as, your dream wedding venue. Does Samus come with the starship? Yes, she absolutely does. Capricorn, we think you and Samus would really hit it off and what better place to get married than her starship? Don’t answer that.
AQUARIUS: TARDIS + THIRTEENTH DOCTOR
Aquarius, we have the perfect wedding venue for you. This venue is equally as quirky and unique as you are! Can you take a wild guess as to what it is? It’s the TARDIS! And who better to marry there than your soulmate, the Thirteenth Doctor? You’re looking for a kind partner that is just as curious as you are and the Thirteenth Doctor is known to be just that. Sounds like a match made in heaven to us!